As I write this, I’m preparing to go to sleep after a day of inner-confusion. I’ve had feelings of fear and nervousness about the upcoming surgery and also flashbacks to when I was younger and less sure of myself. Growing up in a world where most people do not have hearing loss was difficult. I remember clearly working on a group project and being ignored by other peers as I tried to offer suggestions – this was in high school. Today, the memory suddenly rushed to my brain and became very vivid and served as an important reminder of when a similar situation does happen now, how differently I handle that.
But still, I think back at the oddity of this such situation. If you know me, you know I can hear and I am very capable with projects. It’s odd these people in the group assumed, even with my speaking out, that I was worthless. Now, today I know I am not worthless, but back then I was much younger and didn’t have the skills to look at the situation objectively or with a lens other than self-defeat.
Today, if I was in that same chair with the group, I would speak up after being ignored and bring in the teacher to point out the absurdity of the situation to him and to the other group members. I wasn’t dumb. Advocate for myself then? – No, I was too scared. – Now? Absolutely I would.
Anyway, writing this has already lifted a burden off my shoulders as similar situations have also presented themselves as mental flashbacks to a time when I was less capable of handling a heart wrenching situation. I wasn’t able to see that I wasn’t defective. Now I KNOW I’m not defective and I know my strengths.
Thanks for reading and for reading about some of my self-care (including dealing with inner-feelings as demonstrated here) as I prepare to fly to Seattle on Monday!
