This week I will be having my next programming (formally called a MAP).  The brain needs these constantly in the beginning of receiving a hybrid and less frequently as time goes on.  But these reprogrammings go on for life, because the brain is adjusting to the signals it is being sent by the implant.  Whenever a MAP is needed, an implanted individual will often feel that things are less clear or in my case, there’s a feeling that a new programming is desperately needed!  I need the compression of sound to be less aggressive as it blocks out sound from music clips and I feel I’m capable of more clarity – which my AVT therapist said was what the next MAP could provide.

Both today and yesterday I’ve been feeling sad because I don’t know what’s going to happen and that’s scary.  The odds are in my favor, but there’s still a chance that I could lose existing hearing and have to be reprogrammed even more extensively.

There’s the chance that things won’t be better than before the surgery.

But everything we do comes with chances and I chose this surgery to hopefully enhance my life.  Those positive posts that I have been writing have been 100% real and exciting.  However, emotions can take over and one just has to let them happen and breathe.

Things having to do with the implant, such as the earmold that goes into the ear for the acoustic low frequency portion have been stressful to think about since it’s not always that comfortable and I’ve tried multiple domes (non-custom earmolds) that normally I’ve preferred to ear molds (custom ear pieces), because the domes are more flexible in the ear than “earmolds,” yet they’ve been disappointing.  This has to do with the fact that the manufacturer that makes the current version domes and receiver that the dome attaches to is using an older version of the product – still works 100% but it’s an older edition that isn’t as comfortable as the newer versions that other companies are using.

I want to fix this somehow, but I have to trust that it will come with time.  I’m sure it will be fine with time.  However, my “autopilot” is to try to figure it all out.  This isn’t always a bad quality, actually it’s a good strategy.  However, if the result is not a fix, I feel sad.  So, patience is needed and to trust that things will get better.

Anyway, I have spent a lot of energy trying to get the best fit, etc.  This is also a reason I’m glad I’ve taken time off from school, because I don’t want to be thinking too much about the device parts or be overwhelmed with a part that feels uncomfortable to me.

All this is further made overwhelming by the fact that I know I have this implant that could do anything.  So, there’s fear.  No wonder my emotions have been swinging back and forth!  I’m glad I did the surgery and took the chances and I look forward to reaping rewards as time goes on!

Thanks everyone!  Writing this has made me feel better :-)